Don't waste your time reading
these mind-free gags !

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great ! Will I meet her at a party, or what ?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you".  Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.

Again the voice said, "Jesus is watching you".  He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."

He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."

The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their Rottweiler Jesus".

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"

The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."

The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

There are these three dogs, a Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog all sat in a bar having a quiet drink when a great-looking female Collie strolls in. She comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a single sentence can have their way with me."

Quickly, the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

She laughs and says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Quiet !" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were captured by Red Indians. The Indians told them, "There's good news, and there's bad news. The bad news is that we are going to kill you and use your skin to make a canoe. The good news is that you get to decide how you are going to die."

They asked the brunette how she wanted to die, she asked for poison, drank it and departed.

They then asked the redhead how she wanted to die and she said she wanted them to shoot her, which they promptly did.

When they finally asked the blonde how she wanted to die, she asked for a fork.

They gave her a fork, and she started stabbing herself all over. When they asked her what she was doing, she yelled, "So much for your canoe, you jerks!"

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian (from India, no feathers) went for a job interview in England.

Before the interview began, they were told to compose sentences in English about starting their day using three words:

Green . Pink . Yellow

The Italian was first: he said, "I wake-a up een the morning, and-a I see the yellow sun, a green grass-a and I weesh-a that my day will be a pink day."

The Frenchman came in second and said, "I wake up in ze morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in ze evening I watch ze Pink Pantter show on ze TV."

Then comes the Indian, (shaking his head and talking with an Indian accent): "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone ringing 'green green', I pink it up and I say ‘’YelloYellow ‘." 

Faisal was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.  However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man (he had seen the fishing rods in the back)..

"Ummm, yeah..." replied Faisal, somewhat startled.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

Thanks to a troll around the Internet in Korea, to Eileen K, to Beccy Yeoman and to the inimitable Faisal al-Riyami.

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