|A bomb went off in the toilets of
the local Police station today. The papers say they have nothing to go on.|
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a
piece of asphalt under his arm and says, "Beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof,
fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a
clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The
green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are
you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Answering machine message,
".... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key ...."
A man takes his Rottweiler to
the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well, says the vet, "Let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to
put him down." "Why, because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's
I went to buy some camouflage
trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day
and I bet him 50 dollars that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said,
"No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of
muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital
after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were
chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.
And saving the best till last ........
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab
driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and hereplies, "I
have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have
been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm
sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must
be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab
driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is