I have to confess I have lifted this page in toto from here because it's too good to ignore.  But on the other hand, almost none of my Light Relief pages are original anyway - I am indebted to a huge range of other people more creative and astute than I. 

Dr Gareth Morris, a geologist/geophysicist/musician, who is author of what follows, comments that 

If you’ve come to this page looking for something deep and meaningful or an insight into the point of it all, then you obviously don’t know me very well.   Instead, this page is a collection of sayings I find amusing (if not entirely truthful.) 

And after all, if we were to let truth get in the way of a good aphorism, where would we find room for people such as Mark Twain, George Bernard Shaw or Oscar Wilde?

On the virtues of duct (or Duck™) tape:

“Duct tape is like the force: there is a dark side, a light side and it holds the universe together.”

“If you can’t duck it, f*** it.”

Seismic theory:

“The wider the spread, the deeper the penetration.”

Equipment maintenance:

If in doubt, give it a clout.”

“To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you’ve had a few minutes to play with them.”

Computers and software:

“If absolute power corrupts, then Powerpoint™ corrupts absolutely.”

“There are only 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don’t.”

On scientific etiquette:

“If you have something to say, write an equation.   If you have nothing to say, write an essay.”

“Scientists use statistics like a drunk uses a lamppost - for support rather than illumination.”

“I decide that certain heresies are ridiculous and unworthy of any credit, not so much because the world of science says, ‘It is not so!’ but because the world of nonscience says, ‘It is’, so enthusiastically.   It is not so much that I have confidence in scientists’ being right, but that I have so much in nonscientists’ being wrong.”

“The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most dicoveries, is not `Eureka!’ but `That’s funny ...’ “

In the workplace:

“A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.”

“A volunteer is someone who misunderstood the question.”

“I like work.   It fascinates me... I can sit and look at it for hours!”

“A bus station is where a bus stops.   A train station is where a train stops.   On my desk I have a work station...”

“I love deadlines.   I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

“We the willing, lead by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.   We have done so much, with so little for so long, that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.”

On sports, life and anything else:

“No falls, no balls!”

“All gear, no idea.”

“I’m going to hell - there are no mountains in heaven.”

“One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on.   And when you do find somebody, it’s remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver’s license.”

“Sometimes you just have to let yourself be blown around in the wind knowing that there’s always the possiblity that you’re going land face down in sh*t.”

“If you don’t shoot, you’re never going to score.”

“Knowledge is knowing thata tomato is a fruit.   Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.”

“Never regret the things that you have done, only the things that you haven’t.”

“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid.   She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one.”

“No-one is completely useless - they can always serve as a bad example.”

“Never take down a fence until you know why it was put up.”

“Before you criticise someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.   That way, when you do, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes as well!”

“Creativity is making mistakes, art is knowing which ones to keep.”

“I’m a bad shopper, but I have high standards.   It’s a nasty combination.”

“Live forever, or die trying!”

“Light a fire for a man, and he will warm himself for a day.   Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.”

“Money may not be able to buy you happiness, but it’ll ensure a better standard of misery.”

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”

“If you can’t learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.”

“I contend that we are both atheists; I just believe in one fewer god than you.   When you understand why you reject all other gods, you will understand why I reject yours.”
                                                  PS – Actually I’m a theist, but I love this aphorism

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Thanks Gareth Morris

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