Tommy Cooper Lives On!

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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. 
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Talk about Dyson with death!

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A mate of mine admitted recently to being addicted to brake fluid. 
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When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  Whilst there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 
Three hours later they were still walking about with it.
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I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!

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My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were 50!!!  
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Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance
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So I pushed her over.

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I start a new job in Seoul next week.
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I thought it was a good Korea move.

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I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
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I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

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Statistically, six out seven dwarfs are not Happy.

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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. 
Can you believe that, 2:30am?! 
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Lucky for him I was still up with my bagpipes.

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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! 
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I presume she was poor – she only had 1.20 in her purse.

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My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker . . . 
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Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. 
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He says what do you expect?  You’re in a wheelchair.

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. 
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She said “I would like to come back as a cow”.
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I said “you’re obviously not listening”.

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The wife has been missing a week now.   Police said to prepare for the worst.
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So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

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Two Muslims crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier.
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Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

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Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today.  She shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
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I thought she was dead, until I noticed the red spot  on her forehead and realised she was just on standby!

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The wife was counting all her 5p’s and 10p’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
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I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”

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When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. 
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What a pair of sexists. 
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I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

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Local Police are hunting the “knitting needle nutter”, who stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours.
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They believe he could be following some kind of pattern.

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Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday,
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but it went off before I could eat it!

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A teddy bear is working on a building site. 
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick axe has been stolen. 
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The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. 
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The foreman grins at the bear and says,
I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears
have their picks nicked
”. 

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Murphy says to Paddy, “Why ya talkin to an envelope?
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Because I’m sending a voicemail ya eejit!

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Just got back from my mate’s funeral.
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He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
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It was a lovely service.

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Nineteen Paddies go to the cinema. 
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The ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?
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Mick replies, “The film said 18 or over”. 

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An Asian fellow has moved in next door.
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He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountains.
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It came as no surprise to learn his name
was Bindair Dundat.

 
 
 

Now click on this button 
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Thanks Dave Parker

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