Tommy Cooper Lives On!

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. 

Talk about Dyson with death!

A mate of mine admitted recently to being addicted to brake fluid. 

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  Whilst there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 
Three hours later they were still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £50!!!  

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance

So I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, six out seven dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. 
Can you believe that, 2:30am?! 

Lucky for him I was still up with my bagpipes.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! 

I presume she was poor – she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker . . . 

Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. 

He says what do you expect?  You’re in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. 

She said “I would like to come back as a cow”. I said “you’re obviously not listening”.

The wife has been missing a week now.   Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier.

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today.  She shut her eyes and stopped breathing.

I thought she was dead, until I noticed the red spot  on her forehead and realised she was just on standby!

The wife was counting all her 5p’s and 10p’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. 

What a pair of sexists.  I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police are hunting the “knitting needle nutter”, who stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours.

They believe he could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday,

but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. 
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick axe has been stolen. 

The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.  The foreman grins at the bear and says, “I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked”.

Murphy says to Paddy, “Why ya talkin to an envelope?”

“Because I’m sending a voicemail ya eejit!”

Just got back from my mate’s funeral.

He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

Nineteen Paddies go to the cinema. 

The ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Mick replies, “The film said 18 or over”.

An Asian fellow has moved in next door.

He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountains. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.